A Yearning
by LittleMaggie
Summary: Johnny has a yearning - and finally learns what it is. He wants a kid. Badly. Except he doesn't go the normal route for getting one... Prepare for drama and laughs! Ch. 7! Does Nny have the strength to have a happy ending? Sometime?
1. What Monster Are You?

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Author's Note: After finishing "A Continuation", Parts 1 and 2, I have finally come up with a fresh, original, and somewhat creative idea! Enjoy this story.

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Chapter One

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What Monster Are You?

_Dear Die-ary,_

_It's raining again, and everything's saturated. Once again, I'm all alone in this house, sitting on soggy wooden floorboards, leaning my head on the glass window pane, and sobbing my heart out. And I wonder, what's raining more, the clouds or my heart?_

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There wasn't a stir in house 777 that night, or anywhere else on the block for that matter. Everyone's curtains were drawn tightly, everyone's shutters were closed, the cars sat dormant like tree stumps in driveways, and the silence was deafening in itself. It had stormed all day and among the washed away drifts of dirt and rot were the dying seeds of flowers that some dim bulb had planted so late in the spring. They would never grow to bloom again.

And in this pitch-black night, heavy with death, stumbled a weary traveler.

He was tall and thin, like the night itself, drawn in black garb and stooped slightly, trying to walk with his painful limp. A watery mark of blood remained after each step he took.

The man stopped in front of a house and then reached out, tracing his fingers over the numbers over the door. Three long-necked digits with flat caps; this was his home. He pushed the door open. It gave in too easily though, malleable from water and rot, and clattered to the floor, unhinged.

He knelt down and picked the door up, propped it up in the doorframe, and then threw his suitcase down on the floor. It skidded on the tepid rainwater that had gathered in the room and clunked heavily on the wall to the opposite side of the room.

He turned slowly to look around his abandoned home. A clap of lightning illuminated his face, all sharp edges and angles, yet not skeletal. The lightning died away, but not before the moonlight streams of tears on his cheeks had gone unseen.

Pressing himself against the wall, he slid down to a sitting position. He yanked out a black notebook and began to write.

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Early the next morning, Johnny was surprised to find himself still writing feverishly in the notebook, filling page after tear-streaked page with morbid images of macabre murders and puzzling revelations about life and death.

His stomach ached, but not from the mortal need to eat that plagued him, but just a passionate yearning for _something_, _something_…

Something warm and gentle, softer and smoother to his touch than silk, but yet so far away that if he were to reach out and try to grasp it he'd only hold the bitter wind.

Johnny didn't understand this feeling.

His icicle-like fingers traced the wooden pattern on the floor, his index finger dipping into the hole in the wood beneath him. " What's wrong with me?" He asked, his voice a quivering rasp, " I've been away for so long, I thought I'd evolve into an emotionless beast. The people I've slain, the children, the elderly… and yet I come back with feelings more intensified?"

Johnny glanced outside and saw the mosaic of the rising sun, rivers of pink colliding with feathery gray clouds and dusty black ones. He looked at his watch, pressed "date", and watched the digits flashing **10.31**. " Happy Halloween," He whispered to himself, " What monster are you?"

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He spent the whole day moping around, trying to waste time, hoping to avoid the quickly-approaching onslaught of children ringing his doorbell with the fury of a lynching mob. When the large grandfather clock on his wall struck seven in the evening, though, and official trick or treating time began, Johnny realized he had still found no place to tuck himself away in.

Instead, he was left sitting at the stoop of his steps, one of his hands halfway submerged in a plastic bowl of Tootsie Roll pops. He faintly recollected the day he got them – some lady threw a whole bag of them at him, just for extra protective measures. He intended to use the bag to hold her decapitated head, but she had run off before he could carry the plan out.

Now he had the candy, he had the bowl, but where were the children?

He watched as kids walked down the street, stopping at every house diligently, and then avoiding his house entirely, as if some invisible magnetic force was pushing them away. Ten, twenty, thirty groups of children – finally, two small girls approached him.

" Trick or treat!" One gasped out, just audibly.

Johnny pulled his hand up and put a candy in each of their bags.

" What're you dressed up as?" The second girl asked. She was slightly older, with long black hair.

" I'm Miserable, that's what," Johnny sighed, and then put another candy in the girls' bags, "Dressed as good old Misery, except I don't love company." He laughed at his own joke softly.

" Don't you want to trick of treat?" The younger girl wanted to know.

" I'm fine just giving out candy," He said with a thin smile on his lips.

" You're pretty," The older girl sighed, and then they ran off, tittering. They must have both been no more than five or six years old.

" Everything's pretty when you're that young," Johnny sighed, looking down at his fingernails. There was still blood dried beneath them, blood he couldn't wash off, no matter how hard he tried. And if he did get it out, he'd simply end up putting it back there again. It was hopeless.

Suddenly, he thought about the prospect of raising a child – it would be like taking something sweet and incurably innocent and hiding it from the evils of the world. How he wished to be a child like that, shielded from evil, kept under feathery wings of protection his whole life! Those girls would some day grow up to be cheerleaders, or perhaps nerdy outcasts of society. Either way, they'd become an image, they'd become some bitter segment of society.

But a child!

A child was a clean slate, and he wished to have a child to himself, to keep it a clean slate.

That's when he birthed a new idea – he would take a child. He would find a child nobody wanted and raise it. Johnny had no intentions to father anyone, simply of the inconvenience of having to find some already life-worn female to procreate with. No, Johnny wanted a child that was a complete clean slate to him, a child that was not made of his blood and semen. He wanted an innocent child that had sampled life, but would be fine with being shielded.

Squee.

He would find Squee, wherever he was, and kidnap him.

Johnny couldn't help but chuckle deliciously, watching the crowds of children on the street. "Halloween, what monster are you?" He whispered to himself again, " Protector of the Innocent, that's what."

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Author's Note: Johnny… a father? And kidnapping Squee? How will he ever pull _that_ off? Ooh… and will getting a kid under his thumb help him win the favor of a certain special lady in his life?

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Review and Find Out!

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	2. The Shame, The Guilt

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Author's Note: All belongs to Jhonen Vasquez. He can even keep this plot, if he wants.

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Chapter Two

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The Shame, The Guilt

_Dear Die-ary,_

_Innocence is so far gone from me. Is this what I crave for? Is that my driving passion? To turn the world into an innocent place where there is no social segregation, where everyone is treated fairly and equally, despite how they dress, what religion they are, how they speak, what their handicaps are?_

Or do I simply do it as a craving for blood and death?

Do I stand and fight for something, or am I just an immoral murderer? If so, do I have any purpose here? Perhaps it's best if I retire to my afterlife now and accept my doomed fate, instead of going on like this senselessly.

I wonder if Hell is as bad as they say it is.

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Just as the night pulled to an end, and Johnny was about to retreat to his house for the night with the almost-empty bowl of candy, he saw a girl walking down the street with her babysitter. The babysitter was looking increasingly nervous and agitated, looking over her shoulder constantly. Johnny couldn't see her face for it was covered by a mask that was made to look like a troll's face.

" There's a guy with candy over there!" The little girl shrieked, pointing at Johnny.

The babysitter looked right at Johnny and was almost thrown back a foot in surprise. " Let's go!" The babysitter hissed in a deep, manly voice. She was faking a British accent, too, but poorly.

" But he has _candy_!" The little girl persisted.

" He – ah – probably put glass in it, the creep!" The babysitter droned on, now switching to a Southern North American accent. " Come on, little 'un."

" Silly!" The small girl giggled. " See, he looks nice."

Johnny smiled uncomfortably. _What a psychotic lady,_ he thought to himself.

" I am _never_ going to cover one of Tenna's babysitting jobs, _ever_ again," The babysitter was whispering angrily, dragging the little girl backwards as she raced off down the street.

" Wait!" Johnny called after them. " It's alright, you can have the whole bowl. I'll put it down on the sidewalk, if you want?"

The little girl shrieked and began to cry, " I want candy!"

" Not _his_ candy, you don't!" The babysitter shouted, now unaccented. It was Devi!

" Devi?" Johnny whispered, then suddenly understood. He put the bowl down on the sidewalk and took six big steps back and crossed his hands over his chest, " You can get the candy now."

" Can I?" The little girl sobbed.

Devi stopped tugging on the girl's hand and said, " Alright, but I'm not coming any closer. You go get it yourself, if you're so brave," Devi's whole body was quivering. She ripped the mask off and gave Johnny a death glare, " And if you touch her, Nny, my fist is going to be shoved so far down your throat that I'll be using your kidneys as punching bags!"

Johnny gave her a watery grin, " Wouldn't want _that_ happening, now, would I?"

The little girl skipped up to the candy bowl and dipped her hand in, retrieving with it a handful of sweets. She looked up at Johnny and smiled cutely, a gap in her front teeth, " What're you dressed up as, mister?"

" A booger," He replied.

The little girl giggled and then went back to Devi.

" We're going home," Devi said, her voice quivering.

" Chicken!" The little girl cooed out, popping a Tootsie Roll Pop into her mouth.

" Goodnight, Devi," Johnny called after her.

" Interpret this as you want," Devi shouted back, and lifted her middle finger at him, " Sit on it and spin, Nny."

Johnny shrugged to himself. " You win some, you lose some," He whispered and walked into House 777, closing the door after him.

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After writing in his diary for the night, Johnny downed four cups of green tea and once he was hyped up on caffeine he walked outside again. It was cold out, but not so cold that he'd have to take out his winter trench coat.

He had gathered some information as to where Squee was being held. There was not much searching involved; just a few days after he had left, Johnny noticed that Squee was no longer coming home. So Johnny figured him to be dead, shrugged it off as another human gone, and decided to find something else to busy his time with.

That was when the idea of having his dreams interpreted made him smile. Johnny rarely slept because he had fear inside of him, choking him like a metal vice, and he would drift to sleep only when his body forced him to. Otherwise, he fought it off, because the fear strangled him in his sleep, because the fear was there like a thick smog of evil.

He had dreams where he was even worse than in real life; he dreamed he was a true monster. And his dreams teemed and surged with emotion; rivers and roller coasters of pain, love, misery, hope, despair, and hate. He wanted to move away from feeling so badly…

And so he signed up to have his dreams interpreted at a mental hospital. He visited Squee there, and since then, had stopped by often to say hello and offer tidbits of information to the poor child.

Johnny paused. He had been walking for half an hour now, and he was almost there. Suddenly he wished his car hadn't been stolen while he was off. He wished to change much about the last few months; the guilt and shame from his indulgent time away was a shroud over him.

Johnny felt the heavy weight of shame on his chest.

He had wanted to drown his emotions so badly that he'd become a true monster in his away time. Johnny was afraid of his emotions; afraid that they held him back. For instance, he had never killed any children. He feared killing children. And yet, in his away time, in an attempt to drown his emotions, to desensitize himself, he'd tried killing children, and succeeded. Two children, in fact, two children that did nothing at all to him; except he did see them beating up on another kid.

And yet those children still harbored that innocence that Johnny loved; much like Holden Caulfield prized it. Johnny had extinguished the candles of innocence that he loved so much!

And why? WHY?

He had walked away from his nearly year-long massacre streak with nothing more than a limp and even more pent-up emotions. Johnny knew that he was teetering further and further down the route of insanity.

And the guilt that was eating him alive now!

Perhaps all this added together is what drove Johnny to the urge to preserve some sweet youth in innocence forever… without killing it, of course!

Just simply raising it.

And that youth would be Squee.

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He stopped in front of the mental hospital doors. He had been here before; he was here once again. He pushed open the doors and stepped inside.

" Hello, Mr. C! Haven't seen you around for a while!" The friendly doctor at the desk said.

Johnny smiled bleakly in response. " You're right," He said, " It _has_ been a while, hasn't it?"

The doctor nodded, " Come right inside."

She buzzed open the door and Johnny walked in.

Luckily, he was trusted in this building. He slipped through the darkened hallways stealthily, walking right past the Dream-Interpretation room and straight into Squee's little chamber.

He pushed open the door and walked inside.

There was Squee, sitting on the bed, hugging Shmee the teddy bear and staring out the window sadly. There was something so touching about the scene, with Squee gently illuminated by the moonlight like a holy figure in a Catholic stained glass window.

Johnny broke the silence by saying, " Squee?"

Squee turned and stared at him. A look of recognition crossed the young kid's face and he jumped from the bed and backed up against the wall, eyes wide in fear. 

" Get away!" Squee gasped out, " don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me!"

" I won't hurt you," Johnny said tenderly, " I'm here to take you home."

" Mom and Dad don't want me anymore," Squee replied sadly, his eyes filling with tears, " They left me here. The doctor says they left state right afterwards. I'm here on the state's mercy and governmental money, they say."

" Don't listen to them," Johnny said, " I care about you, right?"

Squee's eyebrows drew together in a tightly-knit frown, " I dunno…" Squee whimpered out, "You'll hurt me like all those other people so far, Mr. Crazy Neighbor Man."

Johnny sighed, " Would you believe me if I told you I'm putting all that behind?"

" No," Squee admitted, shivering, " Please go," Squee whispered, his voice shaking, " I'm scared of you."

All at once, the look in Squee's eyes was a dead reminder of the look of the two young bullies he'd killed. Johnny himself straightened up and backed up against the opposite wall. He stared at Squee, Squee stared back; it was a moment heavier and more painful than stone. The only sound in the room was Squee's shallow and erratic breathing.

" Please?" Squee whispered finally, " Shmee says you should go, too!" Squee shook the teddy bear delicately as he spoke.

Johnny smiled grimly, " Is it better here than with me?"

" Yes!" Squee gasped out, " Please go."

Johnny sighed, " What if I were to take you home with me?"

" I'd scream and wake up _everyone_ in the building," Squee replied honestly.

" This won't be easy," The homicidal maniac replied, glancing out the window of Squee's room at the full moon. _What monster are you_, the words echoed in his mind, _protector of the innocent, that's what._

Squee was being hurt here, being kept someplace where the last of his childhood would be squandered in bottles of medication. No, Johnny had to risk it and save Squee. Johnny walked closer to Squee and held his hands out.

Squee shrank away.

" Squee, come on," Johnny said, " I won't hurt another child, ever again. In fact, I don't ever want to kill again. Is that good enough for you?"

" You're lying," Squee sobbed, " Mommy and Daddy said they wouldn't leave me here, but they did. And you're lying, you'll take me home and kill me. Adults lie!"

" Poor kid," Johnny ran an unsteady hand through his black hair, which had grown in even messier than before, " You can't stay here any longer. I won't live with myself if I let you stay here any longer."

" No!" Squee gasped, as Johnny grabbed him.

" I promise I won't hurt you!" Johnny hissed in Squee's ear, " Just cooperate so that I can get you out of here…"

" AHHH!" Squee shrieked.

" What's going on in there?" A nurse's heels were clattering down the hallway.

" Shit!" Johnny mumbled, setting Squee down. He looked up at the barred window of Squee's room and then jumped at the metal bars. He took out a hairpin and picked the lock holding the window bars down. Then he slipped his lithe little body right out of there.

The nurse raised into the room just as Johnny disappeared.

She looked around the room, saw Squee standing in the corner of the room shivering, and said, "You wet your bed again, didn't you?"

" The crazy neighbor man, he, he…" Squee panted out.

" Shh," The nurse whispered, " If you want dessert tomorrow, you're going to keep quiet. Here," She pulled out a syringe from her pocket and gave Squee a shot. Within seconds he was limp and asleep.

The nurse put Squee to bed again and then left the room.

Johnny waited out the window. Now that Squee was sedated, it'll be easy… and after the kidnapping, it'll all be a smooth road, right?

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Author's Note: Johnny thinks fatherhood will be a cinch. Wait until he sees the stress of filling out school papers, dealing with school bullies, getting Squee to bed, and feeding him too! Johnny, who we all know opposes eating and sleeping, will find himself worrying about food and sleeping schedules all over again. And what about Devi? Is a reconciliation near, with Squee as proof that Johnny _can_ and _is_ tamed? Or will Johnny break his promise, and despite the weight of shame on his shoulders, will Johnny end up killing again?

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Review and Find Out!

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	3. Never Again

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Author's Note: Jhonen Vasquez is the magical space-ship wielding comic book artist of doom, all hail his work, none of which I own.

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Chapter Three

Never Again

_Dear Die-ary,_

_Why was it so easy for me to accept that Squee was dead before, and yet now it plagues me that he'd been locked in that institution? Was death a friendlier fate for the tortured youngster?_

I saw Her yesterday. I have no words.

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He had dragged the limp body of Squee through the night, all the way to House 777, and then stared at the sleeping little boy until the bleak hours of dawn. There was little for Johnny to do but to keep watch over Squee, because if little Todd were to wake, he would most certainly be overwrought with fear and suspicion. He was in a new environment, after all.

Johnny wondered what children ate. He could vaguely remember the joy of cereal in the mornings – Dinosaur Pops, or something. There was the faint knowledge in him of waiting for a few minutes each time he had cereal just to see his milk turn green.

Now he wondered if Squee was hungry, and if so, how often. Was there some regular feeding time for little worm children? Johnny's puzzlement wasn't unusual; he was, after all, new to the fatherhood scene.

Squee cried out in his sleep just then, " No! Silly Shmee… put the matches down…"

Johnny smiled and looked around the room for something of substance that he could cover Squee with. It must have been cold for the little boy, lying on the foam mattress in the center of one of the torture basements. And yet, all Johnny had within reach were gauzy window coverings, which he liked to cover the windows with, so a color-frosted light filled the room. There was not much else, except the fuzzy head of Nail Bunny – and _that_ was just too traumatizing for a little boy to wake up next to.

It was too late to make Squee comfy in bed though – Squee jerked awake and found himself face to face with Johnny.

" Again?" Squee whimpered softly, " I'm having that same dream _again_?"

" You're not dreaming, Squee. It would be much simpler if we all were," Johnny replied.

Squee stared at Johnny in surprise.

Johnny thought hard of the promise he had made himself. He had killed two average junior-high bullies, who were just a bit less than half his age, and why? There was so little to justify the murder now… they had bullied another child, yes, but there was something that flowed through Johnny's mind at that time that forced him to it. Johnny had some sort of flashback, some awful memory that triggered him into doing it.

Normally he would have balked and ran off, trying to avoid the extermination of younger teens, but here he had no remorse. He had killed them, and gruesomely too. And what was this flashback he had experienced? He couldn't remember. All he could think about was the faces of the children in death.

And he hated himself so deeply for it.

A flashback was a flashback; and through it madness took his mind. And now he forgot his driving cause. All he saw before him was Squee, an innocent kid, a second chance to perhaps right the wrongs he had committed.

Johnny smiled sadly and asked, " Are you hungry? I can make us something to eat."

Squee shook his head and looked around, his hair rising on his head, " I'm in your house," Squee whimpered, and got woozy from the shot and passed out again.

" Well, I tried," Johnny murmured serenely, and stretched his long thin limbs.

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He had locked every basement door on the way up and out the door, making sure that Squee wouldn't escape, to make sure that nobody would notice that Squee was living in his house. If the neighbors saw him harboring a child in his home, he'd certainly be reported. Then again, the idea of ever being caught was laughable to Johnny.

Johnny was a flusher, his actions towards humanity were justifiable in a sense. His own guilt and pain were the only forces that could punish him. Nobody forced him to do the things he did, but nobody stopped him either.

Johnny had decided to leave his house to buy some food before Squee would wake. After locking the doors and securing the windows, Nny walked towards the neighborhood discount shop. It was sort of like a White Hen Pantry, except the quality of the food was much worse.

It was a small place, they had replaced the store clerk dozens of times and many of those times were, of course, because of Johnny's murderous habit; now there was a black girl running the store. She leaned on the counter and thumbed through the Slim John beef jerky display thoughtfully, her eyes avoiding the Playboy magazine rack.

Johnny walked into the store, the jingling of the store bells sending shivers down his spine. He turned around and stared at the door, the abruptness of the noise catching him off guard.

" Don't worry, the cops aren't after you," The girl at the counter grinned.

Johnny's stomach churned. _Did she know_, he wondered, _or is she just being a wise-ass_?

The girl's nameplate read Tenna. Johnny knew he remembered the name from somewhere, but he didn't quite know where it was from. He went through the Crapbell soup display and saw a soup that had **KIDS LOVE THIS **written in flashy, glittery-gold letters. He picked it up. It was Tofu and Broccoli Surprise, and even the kid on the can looked like he was trying to stifle an urge to vomit. Yet Johnny double-checked the **KIDS LOVE THIS **label, shrugged, and dumped it into a shopping cart.

" Need any help?" Tenna asked.

" I need food that a kid will eat," Johnny admitted.

" Are you baby-sitting?" Tenna said with a sigh, " I had to ditch my babysitting job when my friend from this store called in sick. I'm doing him a _big_ favor."

" Yeah, baby-sitting," Johnny mumbled back, fishing deep into a barrel filled with marshmallow peeps and drawing out the peeps that were goopy with green frosting, " These are cute."

" Oh?" Tenna said nervously, " You do know that the ones at the bottom are the _old _ones, right?"

Johnny dropped the moldy peeps down again in disgust.

" I'd recommend Barney Oats," Tenna prompted.

" I've never heard of that."

" You need to get out more," Tenna sighed out, " I know a girl that needs to get out more, too. I can get you guys hooked up on a blind date."

" No thanks," Johnny said quickly, almost too quickly.

" Too shy, huh?" Tenna ventured on.

" Not looking," Johnny said darkly, dumping three boxes of Barney Oats into his shopping cart. He steered it up to the checkout desk, grabbed a gallon of milk from the refrigerator standing nearby, and then laid out everything on the conveyor belt.

" Tofu and Broccoli Surprise," Tenna said, staring at the soup can, " Is this some sort of vegetarian toddler you've got?"

" Not at all," Johnny replied.

" Get him something _decent_ to eat!" Tenna laughed, " You might as well be feeding him polyester socks. God damn."

Johnny was getting frustrated already. His nerves were fried after years of driving himself nuts over how much he hated society. Now he just turned away from Tenna, grasped a loaf of soft white bread, and squeezed it mercilessly until the air hissed out from the holes his fingernails poked into the plastic. Then, breathing erratically, he turned back to Tenna and said, " I'll get this bread. How's that?"

" Uh… fine!" Tenna said with a superficial cheeriness. She rang off his purchases, bagged them, and then took the money from Johnny.

" Thank you," Johnny replied coolly and left, Tofu & Broccoli Surprise and all.

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" I got food!" Johnny called out, entering through door after door, unlocking them all.

There came no reply.

" Squee?" Johnny asked loudly, looking around. He ran into the room he had locked him in and saw that Squee was just waking up.

" Mr. Scary Neighbor Man!" Squee gaped at Johnny for a few seconds then cried out, " Please, don't be mad at me and kill me and hang me upside down over a vat of oil like Daddy said the devil will do to me if I'm a bad boy!"

" Shh!" Johnny shushed him and then knelt down on the floor in front of Squee, " Now, do you want to eat or not? I expect you won't be needing anymore sleep for the rest of the decade?"

Squee blinked nervously, " Is it poisoned? Like Halloween candy sometimes is?"

" _No,_" Johnny said, " Here, try it and you'll see."

" You try it first," Squee whimpered, hugging Shmee to his chest, " Shmee says not to trust you."

" Shmee might be wrong. Ever think of that?" Johnny asked, exasperated, " Can't you think for yourself?" Then he could hear the hypocrisy of his own statements – after all, Johnny had been plagued with voices for _so _long now! It was only recently that he had managed to push it all away. It was only recently when his life had spun around, where he just got so fed up with life that he decided to remove himself as far from humanity as possible. And in that decision he wanted to preserve one last hope of innocence.

" Try it," Squee gasped out, tears in his eyes. He was scared.

" Oh, alright," Johnny murmured, opening the smashed bread's container and pulling out a slice, which had been flattened to about a fourth of it's original stature, " I'll bite this, and if you see me fall over and grow stiff as a board, you can leave this house."

Squee nodded and stared at Johnny with large, suspicious eyes.

Johnny suddenly felt the panic and suspicion himself. How was he to know that the bread wasn't poisoned by some teens, messing around with store items? He had once heard of an old lady that bought a gallon of milk and died because someone had injected lethal poison into it.

" See? It's filled with evil buggy-buggy germs, and they want to take over your body!" Squee gasped, " And you wanted to make me eat it!"

Johnny pressed the bread against his lips and bit off a small bit. He chewed it. It was alright, rather bland. He had separated himself from the need to eat too often; he enjoyed Skettios and Prangle chips, but that was about it. Now the bland bread made its way down his esophagus and the invasion of taste was oddly welcome to his taste buds.

" See, I'm alive, sort of," Johnny said.

Squee nodded and began to eat.

Johnny grimaced. If it took that much to get a kid to eat, then he wasn't so sure if it would be a pure and innocent rode ahead after all.

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Author's Note: That's right! I am a lazy, evil, cancerous toaster that spews only so much story to her readers that they'll keep coming back! And you know you'll come back! You'll return, or else the beaver will find you! And will Tenna tell Devi about the mysterious 'new guy' in the store? Will Devi try to check this 'new guy' out and be very, very frightened to see it's Nny? Will Nny and Devi have an encounter in the store? Will Squee learn to accept that Johnny's trying his hardest to change his ways?

Or is Johnny due for a psychotic, murderous relapse any time now, because as always, he is just too weak to hold the voices back for long?

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Review and Find Out!

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	4. Thou Shalt Not Kill Much

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Author's Note: Recognize a place, character, or event? Chances are, it's Jhonen's! You know what's a great song? "The Great Below" by Nine Inch Nails. Why am I telling you this? Why am I delaying the writing of this chapter?

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Chapter Four

Thou Shalt Not Kill (Much)

_Dear Die-ary,_

_I have fed the ghost of innocence, I have given it comfortable bedding and have even prepared time to let the innocence rest. So why does it want so much? And I've played cards with the little kid and such, but he won. Five times, too._

I'm a poor card player. Not a loser though. I won't even get into that.

Is it possible to both move away from emotion and at the same time subject yourself to allowing your emotion to be diverted to one thing? More specifically, 

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" See, Squee? I've got three aces and two queens. Beat that," Johnny announced triumphantly, putting his cards down, " and I'll make cocoa. And drink it too." He felt the churn in his stomach at the idea. Hot chocolate… how sickening! He doubted he even had any hot chocolate in his entire house, not to mention mugs to put the cocoa in them. He had some old teacups that he found at a garage sale, but he had shattered a great majority of them and then used the jagged edges to make slow and painful cuts on the skin of the victims. 

" Look. One of the ace things, a king, a queen, a jack, and a ten!" Squee gawked triumphantly at his cards. He looked up at Johnny, still a bit frightened to let his eyes meet his directly, " Is that good? Did I win, Mr. Nny?"

Johnny blinked, " That's a royal flush, Squee."

" Oh…" Squee whispered nervously.

" You won!" Johnny gasped incredulously, " Fifth time in a row. Are you… You're messing with the deck!" Johnny flipped the card deck over and then flipped through the cards. It was all rather fair and clean though. Squee had himself a pretty mean good luck streak in poker.

Squee shivered, his eyes getting wider and wider, like slowly inflating balloons, " Are you mad?" He bit his lower lip, raking his teeth across the already tattered flesh of his lip.

" No, no," Johnny said through clenched teeth, " Surprised, maybe!" He rubbed the back of his head thoughtfully and then stood, " Uh, bed time, right?"

Squee stared at him with a guilty smile appearing on his face.

" What?" Johnny asked nervously. That smile – the smile suggested that Squee knew things that stretched farther and deeper than what Johnny understood at the moment, and the smile scared Johnny. It was the smile he faintly recognized, but he pushed the memory back, " What? Is there a snot hanging out of my nose or something?" He traced his index finger under his nose nervously.

" No," Squee giggled despite himself, " You said you'll make cocoa. You don't have to though," He added fearfully, " If you don't want to. If it makes you really, really mad. Like when you rode over a squirrel, you were so mad. And you put it in my room, too," Squee's cheeks drained of color at the memory. He had woken up and leaned forwards in his bed… and there it was – road kill, right on his smiley-face quilt.

" I'm not going to get that mad again," Johnny said, " I'll try not to."

Just then, he heard it. _You will fail. You need to succumb to those desires, Johnny. You are a slave to those desires. You are a slave to your own miserable needs. You want to kill, your fingers quiver at the idea of wielding your blade again._ That voice in his head, that angry voice, it was not his own voice. It was the voice of Reverend Meat.

" Squee, no. Get to bed," Johnny hissed. Luckily, Squee had eaten dinner (Johnny still had to pre-taste everything to assure Squee that it was not laced with arsenic). The slurp of broccoli and tofu surprise was congealing in his stomach like an old burrito.

Squee's eyes were wide as saucers again and he raced to the foam mattress that was his bed. He laid on it, shivering. Whatever hopes he had that perhaps Johnny was a bit friendlier than he thought were dashed apart once again.

Johnny stood in the room, staring at the trembling little boy on the mat, and then slowly left the room, flicking the main light off and leaving a night light on. He closed the heavy set of oak doors behind him, but in his hurry he didn't lock the door.

He sat down in the kitchen and breathed in and out deeply. The voices were being stifled well, he was trying to keep them away. If he wanted to fully and totally become a hermit from the people he so despised, he'd have to do it through only one way – cut off all contact with them. He would only leave his home if the food supply ran short. He was hoping that Squee would be trained well enough to go out for him sooner or later, once the people in the mental hospital forgot all about him. He sort of felt that the government wanted "parasites" like Squee gone anyway, they only fed off of tax money.

Johnny couldn't achieve his hermit goal though if he was pressurized by voices to kill. The kill in him was mainly controlled by the wall before, though! And yet, once the wall was removed, he still killed! He didn't even understand it, perhaps he was so used to it. Perhaps it was Reverend Meat's influence.

And now that he finally understood what he must do to isolate himself, the voice of Meat was back. And if it was back, Squee was not safe with him in the same room. Johnny huddled his head in his hands, it being the tender basket of troubles that he knew it was. He closed his eyes and whispered, " I have no desires to kill. It's _you_ that is instilling them in me. I want nothing to do with those… those pathetic creatures out there. Nothing."

He felt a wave of sorrow just then, a crushing weight on his chest. He stared at the waning face of the crescent moon outside and wished he was like the moon – cold, unemotional, simply serving its purpose and nothing more.

Without emotion, he would be able to hold back the stupid voices. But the longer he'd stay by Squee, the stronger his attachment to the little boy would grow. Eventually, he would have to become a mechanical existence, though, and his duty would be to shelter and preserve the innocence he found in Squee. He just wanted Squee to grow up different, shielded from the world Johnny despised.

_Is that so wrong?_

He pulled out his diary and wrote.

****

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Johnny didn't know how long he'd been sitting at the kitchen table, spaced out, but when he finally stopped writing and snapped to it, it was very bright outside. He turned and then stared in surprise at the open door that led to Squee's room.

" I left it open," His mind thought hazily, " I left the door open."

He stood, ready to close it again, shaking his head at his own foolishness, when reality struck him hard. He raced down the staircase and stared at the foam mattress that Squee had been lying at just hours before. He was gone.

The cards were scattered all across the room, he had been in a hurry.

" He escaped?" Johnny thought, almost not comprehending, " He's gone?"

There was a slow moment just then where he had no clue what has going on, where his mind was floating hazily through a river of silk, and he couldn't concentrate. It was all swimming by him quickly and he slumped against the wall of the room in a daze.

" Okay," Johnny whispered to himself, " What am I going to do now? He's out there, all alone! Who knows what the hell will happen to him?"

His heart was pounding and he felt an unusual big-brother instinct to race outside and start calling his name. He knew he couldn't call the police, he couldn't risk it. The police couldn't find him, but he could always find the police. The consequences of _that_ would be horrendous.

Johnny ran a shaking hand through his hair again and then tried to think logically, _so I'll just go around and try to find help. Yeah, I'll find someone who can help me find him._ Then he harsh reality came again – he had no one.

He took a wavering breath.

_Alright, I'll do it myself,_ he thought, _I'll do a better job myself then if I had a partner tagging around after me anyway._ _But where would Squee go? What could he do? His parents could look outside and see him at any time, and I know that his parents don't want him back… but would Squee come back to them?_

Johnny ran outside and then to the neighbor's. There was only one way to find out.

He rang the doorbell and waited impatiently.

Squee's father opened. He had a five o'clock shadow on his face even though it was morning. The father stared Johnny up and down and said, " I'm not joining your goddamn religion, I'm not buying cookies, we don't want insurance, and my wife already has a vacuum." The father was already closing the door but Johnny caught the handle.

" Sir!" Johnny said darkly, " Is, ah, your son home?"

" We don't have a son," The father replied gravely, " Leave. You don't know anything."

The door slammed in Johnny's face.

Johnny shrugged, _I guess Squee's not here then. So I know he's somewhat safer wherever else he is._ Johnny strolled down the street, his eyes staring out into the distance thoughtfully. Wherever Squee had run off to, he would find him. If anyone were to find out about the kidnapping, Squee would be able to locate Johnny's house. Johnny didn't trust Squee, and therefore he knew he had to find Squee as fast as he could.

_Oh, who am I kidding?_ Johnny thought miserably, _I may as well split town now._

He looked at his house dejectedly and wondered how long he should search before he'll move again, this time giving up entirely on society.

****

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Devi heard the knocking on the main door of the apartment complex but did nothing about it. She pushed a cheese chip into her mouth and then put on some nice piano music so that the soothing sound calmed her frayed nerves. She'd had an awful time at work, and eventually she told her boss she was quitting. It was too stressful.

Instead, she had found a rather pleasant job in selling her paintings, which were raking in quite a lot of dough. People would look at them and see things that meant something to them personally, which was hard to get out of an audience.

Then she heard the sharp buzz of the doorbell. Then the doorbell in the apartment above her rang. Then the bell in the apartment below her, and to each side as well. Someone really wanted to get in!

Devi stood from the couch she was sitting on, putting aside her sketch notebook, and pushed the button on the intercom. There was a new intercom installed so that she could signal for video feed whenever she wanted. She said, first, "Who is it?"

" Please," Came a soft voice in reply.

Devi felt shivers run down her spine. She pressed a button and then received the live video feed – a small little boy was standing there, his eyes filled with tears. He looked tired, as if he'd been escaping from someplace for a long time.

" Who are you?" Devi asked.

" I don't have a home," The boy persisted, " I'm hungry, and the man in the restaurant across the street said I should beg for food here. _Please?_"

Devi's heart melted. A little boy couldn't hurt her, right? She sighed and said, " Come on in, but only for a bit, because I'm leaving for an art gallery showing in an hour."

Little did she know how attached she'd get to the boy in a matter of minutes.

****

Author's Note: Oh yeah! Devi and Johnny might just have to battle it out as to who has to have custody of the kid! Will Johnny get Devi's forgiveness? Will Squee help show Johnny's sensitive side? Will Johnny combat the voice of Reverend Meat and help himself out of the sad idea that his emotions driving him to kill? Will he learn to love?

****

Review and Find Out!


	5. Lost and Found

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Author's Note: I claim to own nothing but the plot. I'm sorry this was so delayed; I was feeling ill. I still am feeling ill, but at least I can think logically without wanting to drive a knife into my face because of these goddamn sinuses!

****

Chapter Five

Lost and Found

_Dear Die-ary,_

Nothing.

I am empty today. Except, of course, for the voices.

One says that deep down I am a primeval, sanguinary beast that needs the kill as much as the world needs me to do it; the other that I am destined to be an unemotional robot, that I can manage to get over all this, that I can have some peace at last, that a desirable end is near…

Only a little more work is needed… 

There is always an only.

Only… where is Squee?

****

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Squee sat down on the kitchen chair and stared nervously as Devi hustled around the kitchen to make him something to eat. She looked at him with an embarrassed expression on her face and said, " I have a can of pumpkin pie filling, a handful of croutons, a purple Pixie stick, lots of sour cream, some garlic…"

" Bleh," Squee said to himself.

Devi laughed, " Let's see what else I've got. I haven't cleaned this place out in ages!"

" That's too bad," Squee said shyly. 

" Oh!" Devi exclaimed, " I have pizza!" She pulled the frozen circle out of her fridge and then stared at it in despair, " It's a rubber pizza. Cute gag, Tenna…" 

" Who's that?" Squee asked, swinging his legs back and forth.

" My friend. Oh, she'd _love_ you!" Devi said with a smile. She hadn't been this happy and excited about anything for years.

Squee smiled pleasantly and then asked, fearfully, " You guys won't hurt me, right?"

" No! Of course not!" Devi gasped, " But you'll have to tell me where you ran away from, okay?"

" I didn't run away," Squee whispered.

" Then what happened?" Devi asked.

So Squee told her.

****

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Johnny was all packed up, his hurt leg was bandaged, and his eyes were unfocused as he tried to figure out what he wanted to do next. Running away, constantly and forever, would serve little to no purpose. His life now consisted entirely of trying to turn a cheek to his past, and then realizing in an awkward way that he had no other life to turn to. 

He lowered himself into a chair in his kitchen and wondered if he should wait and see where Squee went, or if he should look for Squee on his own, or if he should just go ahead and do what he wanted to do for a long time… that is, just break off all contact with humans entirely.

Just as he was coming to some sort of decision the voice came.

" You know you can't handle this all."

Johnny shivered and felt the hair on his neck rise angrily, " Go away!"

" You'll snap. You'll find that little kid and kill him."

" No," Johnny said finally, " I would _never_ hurt Squee."

" You wouldn't, but if one of your voices takes over, they might," Reverend Meat droned, " Like me. If I took over, I'm make sure to get rid of that pest. Isn't that what you feel? That murderous hate and anger that he ran away?"

" I feel nothing! I'm completely complacent."

" You're lying," Reverend Meat crooned, " And I hate you for that. You lie to yourself; you plague yourself with vile mind-clogging emotions that hold you back from letting the _real_ emoting begin!"

" Please go away," Johnny muttered.

" Realize what you _want_! It's in your grasp! You have nothing to hold you back! Remember those two teen bullies?"

Recognition dawned on Johnny's face, the suppressed memory ringing in his mind clear as a bell. He shuddered and whispered hoarsely, " Shut up! It was an _accident_. It was entirely out of my control."

" If it was an accident, you would have stopped then and there, when you pulled those two little vermin off the kid they were beating up. But no, you had to go on. You had that _look_ in your eyes. You're not human anymore, you've become a nightmare, a monster, the substance of a child's fears," Reverend Meat whispered, " Why do you fear it? Don't you feel it in your mind? It's in grasp, Nny, it's just in your grasp!"

" Damn you!" Johnny sobbed, " Go away, go away…" He cradled his head in his hands and tried to mute the sound of the voice.

" What monster are you?" Reverend Meat crooned sweetly and was gone.

****

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Devi was in the dark of her bedroom, scrunched into fetal position, her eyes wide open and staring out the window at the eternally black sky. Her eyes closed for a second but she snapped them open again. When she let her eye roll to the side to see the rest of the room you could see a large, dark expanse of red veins across her eyes. She had been crying, though shamefully, not even bothering with Kleenex so as not to leave any evidence. She blotted at her cheeks angrily with her fists.

So perhaps it had been a long time now since she had lost thought about Johnny. _Really_ thought about him. It was almost impossible to keep him out of her mind though once she saw him on Halloween, being just the average guy, though with the same expression in his eyes. That expression – like a puppy that had been kicked one too many times.

_But who's kicking who, Nny? _She wanted to know, _who's kicking who?_

****

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Devi woke up feeling much better. The tears she had shed had made her lips feel stiff and her cheeks glazed. She brushed a finger through her eyelashes, separating them for the tears had stuck them together. Then she ran a hand across her bedspread, for a minute trying to recollect what had made her feel quite so terrible in the first place when her hand ran over someone's head beside her.

_Fuck! I didn't get drunk and… and bring someone home, right?_

She sat up and ripped the covers off and saw that a little boy had crept into her bed. He was small, at most first grade, with the cutest little button nose and the saddest face possible for a boy so young.

_Really drunk._

Devi stood and realized she had fallen asleep in her clothing. Now she looked as if someone had run her over a few times and then parked their car over her and let the oil ooze into her hair. She felt dirty, greasy, and unwashed.

Her hands shook as she put the covers over the boy again. Then she headed out into her kitchen and sat down at the table, propping her chin up with her hand. She remembered the day before, the things she learned.

_So Johnny's kidnapping kids now,_ Devi thought morbidly, _how inconvenient. Just as I thought at least something was safe from him._ Then, she recalled what Squee said as well. Squee (or Todd, as he explained later on) had not truly been hurt by Johnny in any way. In fact, Squee had talked on and on about how Johnny felt he had to preserve something innocent. He had talked about how he wanted to keep everyone away, so that he would never again have to face the emotions that would lead him to being the soulless creature he'd grown to be. Johnny had grown to fear emotion and had developed a distaste for the voices. Yet, as Squee talked on, Devi realized that sometime during Squee's stay the voices had come back to Johnny.

_Why is it so hard for you, Johnny? _Devi wondered, _Why did I manage to pull out rather quickly, and yet to stumbled so pathetically miles before the finish line?_

Then she remembered how Johnny had felt so happy with her, how he had felt that he'd never feel such pleasure again. His massive separation anxiety had led him to believe that unless he'd kill her she would do something to ruin the memory.

_Of course. I had Tenna, I had people to rely on, _Devi figured, _while Nny – all he ever trusted and known had probably moved away from him the second something in his mind shifted. Just as he needed support most, he didn't have it. That's why some instinct in him told him he should take Squee. Squee was a way for Johnny to channel his desire to change the world. Squee was the one friend Johnny relied on, and Squee was too young and presumably too innocent to judge Johnny and move away from him._

Pieces were falling together as more of Johnny's life fell apart in her eyes.

_Johnny didn't like relationships with adults, if things went well, he assumed they'd get worse; if things were bad, he assumed they'd never get better. I think that's why he tried to kill me as soon as he felt a ripple in the clear waters that were ahead in our relationship._

Devi shivered. What was scary was that it made sense.

_Only… what triggered Johnny to make him want to change so drastically? To make him realize, in at least a subliminal way, that he needed a rock behind him if he wanted to change?_

_Or, actually, what did he do to make him so afraid of what he'd become?_

****

Author's Note: Will Devi become a 'rock' for Johnny too? Or at least will she let him have Squee? Will Squee and Devi work out some sort of relationship between one another? Will they work out a relationship with Johnny? Is there hope for our favorite trio? Is Johnny going to succumb to the voices again before things are better? Is a happy ending possible? Or do I feel that Vasquez-like urge to throw in a twist coming on?

****

Review and Find Out!

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	6. Between a Rock and a Hard Place

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Author's Note: Not mine, blah, blah, Jhonen Vasquez, something, something.

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Chapter Six

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

_Dear Die-ary,_

I remembered Devi today for some reason. I was just sitting in the kitchen and eating Pringles when I could see her face vividly in my mind. Then I spaced out and when I spaced back in again I had knocked over the Pringles and they had fallen into the heating vent and there were chip crumbs floating out like dandruff specks.

I think I'll go to her apartment today. I'd known where she lived for some time, even though she tried to remove her address from the city records, the phone book, and most other places. I did find her though… and I think I should talk to her. She'd probably not let me in at all, but through the door I'll just tell her some things that have been on my mind. Things about Squee, ask for her help, maybe.

I didn't think I'd need anyone that much, especially after Squee went away. But I want to talk to someone other than Reverend Meat.

My pen's running out and

****

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Squee woke up and slipped from the bed and walked to the bathroom. He had a stomach ache because he had never really eaten that much like he had yesterday – Devi had made lots of sandwiches, and though they were made with unlikely foods like pickles and mustard, Squee loved them. He stood in the bathroom and looked up at the mirror but it was so high up he couldn't see his face. He used the bathroom and then went into the kitchen, where he found Devi.

She was making oatmeal from a Quaker oats box. She looked so pretty, like the perfect mommy. Squee felt his eyes water and he went up and hugged her leg.

" Oh!" Devi exclaimed, completely not expecting it. " Um… good morning…" She patted the top of his head.

" You were crying?" Squee asked, seeing her red eyes.

" No, uh, it's the oatmeal. Allergies to oatmeal," Devi lied. She looked down at the floor because there was a lot of thumping sounds coming from the staircase, which meant Tenna was coming up. Her apartment had suffered an explosion in the past so everyone was relocated into the apartment next door. Tenna lived below her now, which was a bit better than the fat psychic lady, by _far_. She had suffered the most in the explosion. At least there was nobody around to hassle Devi to die in a plane crash.

" Is someone coming?" Squee questioned again.

" Yes, I think it's Tenna," Devi explained.

" Who's that again?" Squee looked embarrassed for forgetting.

" Probably one of my only friends," Devi said. 

Just then the door burst open and Tenna stood there, her eyes wide and her smile even wider. She smiled so huge the dimples appeared on her ass. " Who's this?" Devi exclaimed, staring at Squee.

Devi wished that the new apartment didn't have a door leading straight into the kitchen. She replied, " This is Squee."

" He's so cute! Where'd you get him?" Tenna asked.

" Actually, that's a very interesting story," Devi said nervously.

" Don't tell me! You actually went outside!" Tenna gasped, "And once outside, some aliens captured you and thrust a child into your arms, demanding that you raise it in your ideals and name it Jesus the Sequel?"

" Ugh!" Devi groaned, " _No_, he came to me is more like it."

" Oh, are you homeless?" Tenna knelt in front of Squee, " Where are your parents? Unless… Devi, you have a kid?"

Devi shook her head, " No, I don't. With _who_? I haven't met any guys that were worth going to that stage with."

Tenna stared at her, " You mean you're a…"

" We'll talk later about that, or maybe _never_!" Devi said, " Let's stick to nice subjects in front of the child, shall we?"

Tenna grinned knowingly and gasped mockingly, " Won't somebody _please _think of the children?"

Squee's eyes veered off of Tenna's laughing face and back to Devi's, " Does she know Mr. Nny?"

" No, I don't think so," Devi replied.

" Nny… Johnny?" Tenna asked, " You mean that psycho you dated? Is it his kid?"

Devi shuddered, " No, of course not. I don't know whose child Squee – uh, Todd – is. Not directly, anyway. But I do know that Johnny kidnapped him."

" Oh my God," Tenna exclaimed, " Are you going to tell the cops?"

" Those inept baboons couldn't possibly help," Devi grumbled, " I've tried, _believe_ me, to contact them about Nny before. No reaction."

" Shit," Tenna whispered, " So what are you going to do? Keep him?"

" I think so," Devi replied, " Hey, can you watch him? I have to go to the store and get Todd here some clothes, food, and toys."

" Sure," Tenna said, turning to Squee and giving him a friendly smile.

Squee smiled back. These ladies were a lot nicer to be around.

****

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Devi walked to the store in a silent haze. She kept thinking about Johnny and Squee and Tenna, about the horrible little mess she'd stumbled into. She also wondered if there was any hope for Johnny. Ever since the day before, she had almost hoped there was a way to get Johnny back to normal, to make him somewhat human again.

Yet the more she thought of this the farther away such a Johnny seemed. Besides, she didn't want to be the one that helped lead him back to "normal" because she herself was nowhere near normal. She had just recently won the battle with Sickness and she didn't want to invite the voices back by hanging around Johnny. No, it would have been simpler to just let Johnny toil his life out in misery and keep her own life separately.

Just as she stepped into the store and prepared to shop under the humming florescent lighting she heard the bells ding behind her. Devi decided to ignore her suspicions as to whoever it was behind her and walked forwards, taking cautious steps because the floor was sticky from Halloween candy.

She ducked into the soda pop isle and then stared nervously at the person following her. She had misgivings about it all, and when she saw who it was, she knew her suspicions were well-guided. For right there, in front of the Brain Freezy machine, was Johnny. Johnny's hair had grown back rather nicely but he was just as lanky.

Devi's heartbeat increased. It felt like a frenzy in her ribcage, rising upwards and throttling inside her throat, her vocal chords vibrating. She realized she was moaning softly and so she slid back farther into the soda display, her eyes staring at the vacant, demonic eyes of the soft-drink slurping children on the bottles and cans. Devi bit her lower lip and struggled to keep her head clear. She kept thinking, _I'll just back out of the store before he notices me. I'll buy a few things so as not to appear that I care too much about his presence. Then I'll run._

Johnny pressed a button on the machine and it made a few rather sickening squishing and pumping sounds. Then a glob of red dye fell from the machine and into his cup. Afterwards, a huge mass of crushed ice. Thirdly, a wooden stirring rod was dispensed. Johnny took the stirring rod and stirred the ice with the red dye, watching as the watery solid became infused with the bloody red. It reminded him of his walls, so sickly white and how quickly it absorbed the blood. He turned slowly and saw Devi.

Devi was staring at him, her eyes wide, a dark purple shadow around each one. She slunk backwards even farther, her hands twisted together in a prayer-like position, as if she was making a miserable plea for her life.

Johnny frowned and said, " Devi? I need to talk to you."

Devi shook her head, " Nny, taking Squee – uh, Todd – was fucking sick. Don't do shit like that. He's just a little boy. He's traumatized beyond repair, I fear."

" Repair?" Johnny's eyebrows raised, " Have you designed a stereotypical set point as to what is normal, so that you can begin to repair him, as you say? Am I too crazy then? Would you try to repair me too?"

Devi blushed, " You know I don't mean that. I mean… Johnny, you need _help_."

Johnny's eyes darkened immediately, as if clouds had been cast over the moon. He sighed, " So then you have Squee."

Devi nodded, " And if you want to do the best thing for that little boy, you should let him grow up with a childhood that at least semi-resembles what a normal childhood is like."

" Which would be with you?" Johnny asked.

" If nobody else takes him in, yes."

" Then I suppose I'm not needed," Johnny looked downcast, " That's all I had left in this town, you know. Just Squee, and that vestige of hope that you'll forgive me. But I suppose you took both away," He turned away slowly.

" Johnny," She felt her stomach turning nervously but she _had_ to say it, " I forgive you."

He blinked, as if mishearing had some connection to his eyes, and then glanced at her nervously, his eyes wide like Squee's, "Is that so?"

" Yes," Devi whispered, " And want to know one more thing? I think I know why you needed Squee. And I've also heard voices. You've brought them to me, but I could fight them off."

" How?" He said, his voice filled with disbelief, " How could you fight them off so quickly, when I've been tortured by them for… for ages?!"

" Because I had people to support me," Devi explained, " It's why your instinct told you to find Squee. You need human contact, Johnny. While you try to shy away from humans the voices get stronger. Didn't you notice?"

Johnny didn't reply but he was certainly considering it in his mind. His eyes studied Devi's and he asked, finally, " How did you think this up? Did you just sit down and decide to analyze me?"

" I didn't try to analyze you. It just… it came to me, Johnny. Something in me told me that you needed help. My help," Devi sighed and shouted at him suddenly, " You know what, though? You're being a bastard! I'm not here to annoy you or call you crazy, I thought maybe I could tell you some things, show that I'm sort of… I don't know… I still care, maybe? To show you that people aren't so bad? But why am I bothering? People _are_ bad, Johnny, people like YOU!" And with that she ran from the store, angry. Except she then realized she had a shopping bag full of items and the alarm went off. Then she had to pay for everything while being seething mad. At least Johnny didn't stick around long. He left, angry, as well, with much to think about.

****

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

****

Author's Note: Will Johnny accept Devi's hand as she reaches out to offer him some help (without actually getting close to him, for he'll probably kill her?) Will Johnny ever get to see the darling Squee again? Will Johnny say no to Devi and simply leave town, never accepting responsibility and blame for the voices, instead continually making the same mistake and moving _away_ from people and cloistering himself with the voices?

****

Review and Find Out!

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	7. The Hard Place

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Author's Note: Yay! I'm updating! My life is slowly becoming fulfilled.

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Chapter Seven

The Hard Place

_Dear Die-ary,_

I must say goodbye to Squee, to clear away any misunderstandings. That's all that's left for me to do. I hope Devi treats him well. Maybe someday they won't remember me entirely as a bad person but more of as someone that stumbled into the villain role.

****

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Johnny disliked the few lingering moments before dawn and night, wherein the approaching pour of light was never certain. He paused and looked around before crossing the street. Once on the other side, he looked up at the sky again. There were a few narrow slivers of pink and orange in the far horizon. He would make it to Devi's house right in time for morning.

He walked quickly, his eyes stopping at the passerby's faces, wondering where they were going. The old grandmother, probably to market, to buy chile powder, to make dinner for her family.

_Family,_ Johnny realized, _something I don't remember and I won't be able to recollect ever again. Does that make me sad?_

He tried to explore the feeling in him, and Reverend Meat answered instead, _No, it doesn't make you sad, you were a slave of that sadness. You don't want this emotion, you want to go for the kill. Soon we'll reawaken the Doughboys, they brought out the inner you, didn't they?_

_I don't want to bring them back,_ Johnny rationalized, _I really don't._

Reverend Meat would have none of that pie, though, and chided him, _you say that because you feel emotionally drawn to these annoying people in your life, Devi and Squee. You're simply scaring them out of their wits. Why care for them? They'd do anything to dispose of you from their lives. You frighten them._

But I'd do anything to make it the other way around, Johnny persisted, _I'm willing to change._

_They wouldn't change for **you**, wouldn't accept you. Why change for them?_ Reverend Meat asked.

Johnny struggled with the answer, but finally made it out, _they're all I have left to love. If I lose them, then I'm going to be truly and fully alone._

Reverend Meat laughed, _isn't that what you want?_

Johnny didn't know the answer any longer. _I don't know what I want anymore,_ he admitted, _I know what you want me to do. I know what Nail Bunny would want me to do, what the Doughboys would want me to do. What about what **I **want to do?_

Nobody answered this time. Reverend Meat receded into some place inside his mind for now.

" I'm saying goodbye to them," Johnny said aloud to the wind, " I won't endanger them with my presence anymore. I walked out here to say goodbye and that's what I'll do."

_They're all I have left. Do you want to say goodbye? Johnny, you aren't happy this way, you'll remain unhappy, you won't rid yourself of these emotions. Don't try, just realize you need these people, they keep you away from the preying of the other voices,_ the thoughtful voice of Nail Bunny said finally. It had been so long since he had heard the gentle, soft-spoken advisor!

" Nail Bunny," Johnny whispered.

The old lady walking past him gave him a very mysterious glare and then dashed away on her chubby old lady legs. Johnny felt his ears redden in embarrassment. 

Johnny talked to Nail Bunny again, _what do you want me to do then?_

_I'm afraid you do endanger Devi and Squee, in the state you are,_ Nail Bunny said, _As long as you have the voices in you, and as long as you can't decide your own fate, nobody else will decide it either._

_Are you saying I should… leave?_ Johnny inquired mentally.

_No,_ Nail Bunny said finally, _You can't leave if you haven't yet fully arrived. Find yourself and what you want to do first. That means staying away from the sphere of influence that Devi, Squee, Meat, the Doughboys, or even I cast on you._

How do I isolate myself? Johnny wondered.

_Devi had voices,_ Nail Bunny said, _I felt them because all voices are siblings in a way. Devi fought hers off brilliantly because she caught them early enough and she was strong enough. Your voices went away, its still early, they are still coming back. Return to your art and pour out your emotions into your art, like you used to. Slowly recede into your old life style, ignore the voices, just be what you always wanted to be._

What if what I want involves Devi and Squee? Johnny asked, bravely.

Nail Bunny was silent too though.

Johnny felt some dark urge to return to Reverend Meat inside his head, but suddenly it felt like it wasn't urgent. His mind had a few shelves to it, like most minds do, sorting our immediate things from secondary things, when it comes to importance and having to deal with them. Immediate were feelings, nerves, outwards stimuli. Second were thoughts and memories, and voices if you will, things you succumbed to more willingly. And Johnny, for the first time, felt that he could rearrange what went onto which shelf.

_I'm free?_

****

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

The letter was hanging halfway out of her mail slot when she took it out. Her hands trembled when she recognized the familiar scrawl of handwriting across it. She let the letter flutter open and read, trying to squash any dark intuitions,

**Dear Devi,**

It's been a while since I've written to a person. The Die-Ary I wrote to seems to have become a controlling force as well, another voice I poured myself into, just waiting to emerge and haunt me. The voice of the past.

And when I reevaluate the past that I recollect, I realize I haven't been what I had originally wanted to be. Life, and the world I lived in, was not what I wanted it to be. My priorities, my thought process, everything had been skewed into a dark and unfair portrait of what a ruthless killer should be. 

I know you won't believe this too readily, Devi, but I'm not as much a villain as just… cast into the role? Pushed into it? I couldn't fight the voices and forces like you have. I didn't have the strength, the character, the will power. Maybe I wanted to have something resolve all my problems and think for me, so that I could function like a codependent, feeding off of their decisions.

Then I realized that the only dependent I need is myself. And so I've decided to stop endangering you and Squee (take care of him!) until I could figure out, on my own, what I want my life to be like. And I think I should find the artist in me again. I used to be able to handle all my frustrations through painting, and my only weapons were my brushes. I need to go back to that. I forgot what that's like, I just remember that I did it.

Until the day that I can sort it all out, forgive me, and please know that I was you, just weaker…

I'm sorry Devi, and I'm sorry, Squee, for everything I've done. I know you want me out of your life and I'll do my best to comply until I'm certain I won't harm you.

Even then, I won't be too sure.

One thing's for certain – I forgot who I was and I need myself, not the voices, to figure it out. Until then, so long.

Johnny

Devi touched her cheek. She hadn't realized it before, but it was moist with tears.

" I hope you find what you're looking for, Nny," She whispered thoughtfully, and then returned inside, feeling as if she'd somehow done her job.

****

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Author's Note: It took a long, okay, a VERY long and annoying time for me to get this last chapter written. Happy endings are just too generic and common in this genre, I like it this way. Besides… MWA HA HA!… this was a, ahem, serious story. That's right. You know what's a good song? Rasputina's "Hunter's Kiss".

__


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